I was young once and if I'd had the opportunity I probably would have lived with my wife before we got married. People were doing it all the time but it still wasn't something that was readily accepted, not like it is today, just another lifestyle choice. But I knew that I was supposed to get married and Kathy felt the same. I wasn't very concerned about religion at the time but somehow that stuck with me. I'm glad it did.
Even taking the religious aspect away, I still don't quite understand why anyone would want to open themselves up to another in the way that marriage does without the vows. It's important to me to know that we're in this together, good times and bad. This isn't some passing thing, a quick roll in the hay and goodbye. Marriage is a partnership that has to last 'til death do us part. If you can't make that commitment then don't get married. And if you can't marry a person then don't live with them. Because vows or not, between the sex and all else that goes with living together, a bond will form, for good or bad, and it will be a bond for life, regardless of future separation. That's how we're built. It's our nature.
So I thank the good bishop for his wise words. I wish more of our leaders in the Church would speak up as forcefully.
April 3, 2011
Pastoral Care of Couples Who are Cohabitating
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
We are all painfully aware that there are many Catholics today who are living in cohabitation.
The Church must make it clear to the faithful that these unions are not in accord with the Gospel, and to help Catholics who find themselves in these situations to do whatever they must do to make their lives pleasing to God.
First of all, we ourselves must be firmly rooted in the Gospel teaching that, when it comes to
sexual union, there are only two lifestyles acceptable to Jesus Christ for His disciples: a single life of chastity, or the union of man and woman in the Sacrament of Matrimony. There is no “third way” possible for a Christian. The Bible and the Church teaches that marriage is between one man and one woman and opposes same sex unions.
We have three groups of people who are living contrary to the Gospel teaching on marriage:
those who cohabit; those who have a merely civil union with no previous marriage; and those
who have a civil union who were married before. These people are objectively living in a state of mortal sin and may not receive Holy Communion. They are in great spiritual danger. At the best - and this is, sadly, often the case - they are ignorant of God’s plan for man and woman. At the worst, they are contemptuous of God’s commandments and His sacraments.
Of these three groups, the first two have no real excuse. They should marry in the Church or
separate. Often their plea is that they “cannot afford a church wedding” i.e. the external
trappings, or that “what difference does a piece of paper make?” - as if a sacramental covenant is nothing more than a piece of paper! Such statements show religious ignorance, or a lack of faith and awareness of the evil of sin.
The third group, those who were married before and married again outside the Church, can seek
a marriage annulment and have their marriage blest in the Church. Please remember that divorce
still is no reason to refrain from Holy Communion as long as they have not entered into another
marriage or sinful relationship. Many Catholics are confused on this point.
Christ our Lord loves all these people and wishes to save them - not by ignoring their sin, or
calling evil good, but by repentance and helping them to change their lives in accordance with
His teaching. We, as His Church, must do the same. In accord with this, I would remind you of
the following:
1. People in the above three situations cannot receive the Sacraments, with the important exception of those who agree to live chastely (“as brother and sister”) until their situation is regularized. Of course, those in danger of death are presumed to be repentant.
2. These people may not be commissioned as Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, not only because of scandal, but even more because one commits the sin of sacrilege by administering a Sacrament in the state of mortal sin.
3. Nor are such people to be admitted to the role of sponsor for Baptism or Confirmation, as
is clearly stated on the Archdiocesan Affidavit for a Sponsor. It is critical for the sponsor
to be a practicing Catholic - and can anyone be seriously called a practicing Catholic who
is not able to receive the sacraments because they are living in sin?
4. When it comes to other parish ministries and organizations, I feel it best to leave these
situations to the judgment of the pastor. Prudence is needed, avoiding all occasions of
scandal. We must see their involvement in the parish as an opportunity to work urgently
to bring such people to repentance and the regularization of their lifestyle.
5. Many of these sins are committed out of ignorance. I ask that our pastors preach on the
gravity of sin and its evil consequences, the 6th and 9th Commandments of God, and the
sacramental nature and meaning of Christian marriage. Our catechetical programs in our
parishes - children, youth, and adult – must clearly and repeatedly teach these truths.
A Church wedding does not require some lavish spectacle and entertainment costing vast
sums of money (Indeed, how often we have seen the most costly weddings end in divorce
in but a few months or years!). While beauty and joy should surround a Christian
wedding, we must remind everyone that it is a sacrament, not a show.
6. Those who are married outside the Church because of a previous union are urged to seek
an annulment through our Marriage Tribunal. If it can be found that the first marriage
lacked some essential quality for a valid marriage, the Tribunal can grant an annulment.
Your pastor can help someone start a marriage case for this purpose. It is important for
such couples to continue to pray and get to Mass even though they may not receive
Communion, until their marriage can be blest in the Church.
Our popular American culture is often in conflict with the teachings of Jesus and His Church. I
urge especially young people to not cohabitate which is sinful, but to marry in the Church and
prepare well for it.
I congratulate and thank those thousands of Catholic married couples who role model the
Sacrament of Marriage according to the teachings of Jesus and his Church.
Sincerely yours in the Risen Lord,
Most Rev. Michael J. Sheehan
Archbishop of Santa Fe
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